Changes

So once more life hits me with changes. I think for the better this time around tho. Not easy, never easy but, better.
One of my friends, Miss Stacy, gave me a video to watch. It's called The Secret. I won't go into details here cause it really is a bit hard to explain but more so, it's a personal experience video. I would HIGHLY suggest for those of you that want/need to make changes in your life that you check it out.
I have a new job I am starting now...I will be working from home. Will report more on that one later. I also am going back to college. I start soon and will be finally finishing up my degree. No more dead ends for me. I am taking charge, through God of course, and getting my life back on track!! I refuse to remain stuck and in this rut any longer!
With Christmas right around the corner and literally no money for it, I began to search for inexpensive gift ideas. I found this really wonderful sight! It's called: Deck the Halls of Home with Joy. Please look for the 'button' on the side of my page and visit them for a truly inspiring time!

The last few months

Just an update...

Over the last few months, my...I don't even know what to call him, he has been my 'husband' for so long..and now..he's not. I should qualify that, in my heart, I suppose, I still consider him that so, for the sake of this post that is how he will be. For the last few months my 'husband' continues to call, text and come over with all his vows of love and wanting to 'fix things' with us. And, for the last few months, he continues to go back to the 'thing' he is living with. He continues to lie to me and to her.

I just don't get it and can't wrap my head around it. How can someone be so messed up in the head that they would continue this behavior, continue the lies and continue living such a messed up life? How does he cry in my arms, telling me he loves me as he has love no one and then leave the very next day? How does he continue to lie to her about me, saying really cruel and hurtful things? I wish there was an answer.

I guess the real question is...why do I continue to let him do these things to me? I just don't know. Is there really a tiny part of me left that believes in him? I think there might be but maybe the truth is, it hurts too much to consider that he never really loved me at all. I dedicated years of my life to him and gave up way more than a person should for another person!! I can't begin to tell you the hell he put me thru. And yet, I stayed with him, stayed loyal to him, stood beside him praying he would change. He never did. He never will. How do I get the strength to just let go? I don't know. I wonder if I ever will.

I suppose each day that goes by makes it easier but then...maybe not.

Yesterday and Today

Yesterday was Easter and, it was a very, very difficult day! I don't want to get into it much as I don't want to open the flood gates again now that I have them closed. It was a day that he and I used to make much ado about including a tradition of going to Sunrise Service. It was something we did every year, as a couple, just he and I and it was always so beautiful. It was awful being alone knowing he was, and is, with someone else, building new traditions and memories.

But, today is a new day. I thank God for having a new day and told Him I am open to all the blessings and possibilities He might bring today and my writing it here is an affirmation of that. I know that it is only with God that I can get thru this. I do hope that the pain and feeling of loss and emptiness pass more quickly than they have been. And too, I pray that God brings me to a place where I am ready for the man He brings to me, if that is His plan and I sure hope it is!

Mental Out

Learning every day.

Good Morning!

So after watching the lesson on the Newspring site, which was awesome btw, I remembered all the things I have to be joyful for. And, thankful for. I am going to work very hard at that every day! I have to hold on to the blessings I have in life and NOT the negative. The more we remain dwelling in the negative in our lives, the more negative we have. It only fits.

I am on a mission now, to teach myself good habits, like finding the blessings in each and every day as well as showing my beautiful daughter how to do the same when she is finding nothing but trouble in her life. I know that it is so much easier to sit here and say all this than to do it. Doing it, finding blessings in your life, finding the positive, making that dang lemonade is so much like work. But, like good, hard work, the rewards are so much more worth it!

Maybe I can share a little of what I struggle with and learn with you. The teaching yesterday said that firstly, we have to remember that God is good. He does not bring bad things to us. Good thing cause we sure do enough of that ourselves! When you say, well, if God was good why did He allow this/that to happen and so on. We need to stop and say to ourselves... did I wake up this morning? God is good! Did I wake up in a bed this morning? God is good! Did I have choices in the clothes I would wear today? God is good! Did I have the choice of eating breakfast this morning and of what I would eat? God is good! And, so on. You get the point! We put way to much power in the wrong things in our lives and those things over take us! Let's start giving power to the one who deserves it and to the right things in our lives! Empower God and in turn, yourself today!

Mental Out

Moving On

Time seems to have flown by since I last touched base here.
I have moved from the house 'we' lived in, I now live in a townhouse, I won't call it a home, with my daughter and Mom. (Taking care of my Mom now.) My daughter and I are still healing and recovering from 'him' leaving us and daily, it's still a struggle in some way.
Many things have happened over the last few months, not too many of them good unfortunately. I am still trying to pay off bills, paying on loans we shared and paying off a lawsuit against him that I was named in as well. They knew that he would never pay so, they named me as well. In their words, someone has to pay. I had nothing to do with the 'relationship' other than introducing them but, again, I end up paying for his mistakes. Nothing new on that front. I also was just notified that my license had been suspended due to HIS hit and run accident. The truck, in my name, which was parked for over a year that he got drunk off his ass and drove, hitting an innocent lady in her car and then running away, was uninsured. It had been parked for over a year! Still, it was in my name so, the state is blaming me. I have to pay over 650.00$ and carry SR22 insurance for 3 years despite the fact that I had NO knowledge of it, that I have never had an accident or a ticket! Isn't life fair?!
And still, he goes on with his life and his new love like nothing has ever happened with us, like my daughter and I don't matter, like he did nothing wrong!! But, what can I do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing but pick up the pieces and pick myself up of the floor time and time again where he kicked me to.
I daily ask myself and God, please, please tell me, what did I do to deserve this punishment, this pain, this never ending loneliness and heartache, this treatment, this life. Yet, I get no answers. I loved someone who didn't deserve my love. I loved him totally and completely without condition. And, I am paying for it.
Most nights, I go to bed crying, it's so overwhelming thats all I can do. Every morning I wake up with him on my mind. Either dreaming of him or calling out his name. I don't mean to, I don't want to, it won't stop! I hate it. Every second of the day, I think of him. I try to stop, I can't. He isn't ever thinking of me, I know that and I don't want to be thinking of him.
Am I sorry I ever loved him at all...yes, for the most part and no as well. There are many things to love about him but, I must admit those things are the lies. The lovingness, generosity, the good in him...those things I love but, they really aren't there. I saw them but it was only my heart projecting them onto him. No person who has any good in them at all could ever do the things he as done to me, to my daughter, to our family. It just isn't possible.
So now, I pray every day for God to help me. To help me not to think of him, not to feel so alone, broken, empty and lost. For God to send some peace and happiness into my life and yes, maybe one day, even love...but not right now. Not when I have no love left inside me.
I think I have found a new Church and I am excited about it! It's here: www.Newspring.cc I can't wait to go check it out!!
Well, I guess that is it for me right now.

Mental out

Saturday!

It's Saturday and I am at work. Yes, bloggin at work, don't tell! :O)~ Saturdays I work alone and basically 'mind the store' if you will. Today is a very, very quiet day. Haven't had one in a while and I must confess I am enjoying it! Getting some work done and just taking time to breathe. Listening to MY station, singing out loud and feeling better today than I have in a long, long time!
Hubby and I still working on things. It will take time but this last week has been awesome! He is 3mos sober, as far as he says and I know, no going to doubt his word as I have no reason too, and I am extremely proud of him! This is a major thing!!  Go hubby!! I continue to pray for him, for us and our relationship. There are many, many days and moments when I feel fear and 'wonder' but, I have to let those pass, have to take a deep breath and hold on to his vow of not wanting to drink any more. It's what I choose to do.
Brandon, my son, is still not talking to me. I made the choice to forgive my husband and give him another chance, one of a million, still it was my choice. My son made the choice not to and walked away from us, from me, pretty much 'dis-owning' me. It tears me up inside, it is one of the most painful things I have ever dealt with. I keep it to myself. I understand that it was his choice and he believes he did the right thing. He choose not to walk down that destructive path with me, I understand that. I just think that he could have handled it differently, then and now. He has made many of the same mistakes that he condemns for and yet, he was forgiven, even expecting to be forgiven. I feel like he is counting....like well, I only did that a few times and he has done it hundreds. Maybe but, I am so glad God doesn't count!! And I bet if my son thought about it, I bet he would be glad that Mom doesn't count mistakes either. Anyway, I can not change his mind, his thoughts, or his decision. I can not change his actions. He chooses to live a life full of anger, bitterness, hate and negativity. I feel so sorry for him. That is so not living life. I pray that he heals inside and can begin to live life with joy and some happiness!! I don't know why he is filled with all these things but, I do know that he chooses to hold on to them and that is his choice alone. He can only blame himself for his life even tho he chooses to blame everyone else. I still love him with all my heart and always will. I continue to pray for him daily.
Ok, peanut butter sammie done and it's back to work, for now anyway.

Mental out

A Day in My Life

"Social anxiety disorder: SAD is an anxiety disorder characterized by intense fear in social situations causing considerable distress and impaired ability to function in at least some parts of daily life. It is a rather extreme form of social phobia. The diagnosis of social anxiety disorder can be of aspecific disorder (when only some particular situations are feared) or a generalized disorder. Generalized social anxiety disorder typically involves a persistent, intense, chronic fear of being judged by others and of being embarrassed or humiliated by one's own actions."


Every day for me, is like walking a gauntlet. Every look, glance, every word from another person is like being punched, kicked and beaten. Every breath is a gasp of pain and a prayer for life.


If you don't have SAD, you can NOT possibly imagine what it feels like, what is does to you, how it is to live in constant, never ending fear. It's 24/7, it doesn't just 'go away'.


"In social anxiety disorder, everyday interactions cause extreme fear and self-consciousness. It may become impossible for you to eat with acquaintances or write a check in public, let alone go to a party with lots of strangers."

"Social anxiety disorder can have emotional, behavioral and physical signs and symptoms.

Emotional and behavioral signs and symptoms of social anxiety disorder include:

• Intense fear of being in situations in which you don't know people
• Fear of situations in which you may be judged
• Worrying about embarrassing or humiliating yourself
• Fear that others will notice that you look anxious
• Anxiety that disrupts your daily routine, work, school or other activities
• Avoiding doing things or speaking to people out of fear of embarrassment
• Avoiding situations where you might be the center of attention

Physical signs and symptoms of social anxiety disorder include:

• Blushing
• Profuse sweating
• Trembling or shaking
• Nausea
• Stomach upset
• Difficulty talking
• Shaky voice
• Muscle tension
• Confusion
• Palpitations
• Diarrhea
• Cold, clammy hands
• Difficulty making eye contact

You may also be affected by:

• Low self-esteem
• Trouble being assertive
• Negative self-talk
• Hypersensitivity to criticism
• Poor social skills"

You see and read the words here and yet, there is no way for you to understand the depth of their meaning nor the impact that meaning has on a life, a relationship, an existence. I am neither ignorant, nor dumb. I am not shy nor silly nor "blonde". I am not an introvert, a people hater or anti-social. I do not dislike you nor wish not to be around you or part of your life! I AM AFRAID! 

Please, before you judge me or think you know me, look again, look deeper. Look into my heart. It's there, it's not hidden away, indeed, it's carried on my sleeve and shines from my eyes. It's there, hiding behind the tears.

~Mental Out