Thursday, September 9, 2010

On top of it all...

On top of all the mess I have going on in my life right now, I go and get sick! Not just the sniffles, or a simple headache, no....full blown, puking my guts out, in bed, feel like death sick!! I have so much to deal with, so much to try and get down and can't do a thing! It's simply not fair!! When will it all end?!!

Friday, September 3, 2010

It's Over

After almost 12 yrs of some really hard work, a whole lot of pain and heart break, it's finally over. After another night of drinking, he took all the money, mine and his Mom's, my truck and our youngest son and headed out to KY leaving me with nothing but pain, loss and ALL the bills. I can't even begin to tell you of the mess he left me with and the amount of money it will take to clean it up!!
How does a person do that? How do you rip lives, a home and your family apart? I just don't get it and I never will. But, you know what, I am accepting the fact that there is something in him that just doesn't work like it should and it never will. I am so tired of the pain and the constant lies. If it wasn't for the fact that I am out of work and he left me 2 months behind on every single bill and then some, I think I would actually be happy. If not for the stress of not know which way is up and which was is down, I am actually at peace. It is incredibly painful to know that someone just decided one day that they didn't love you any more but, when that person has hurt you so much and for so long, I guess the love dies in your heart as well. So maybe it's more of an ego issue than a broken heart issue and that is incredibly hard to admit.
So now, it's like living in a giant black hole that I just can't find my way out of. I pray and I pray and I pray and things still keep getting worse. I honestly don't understand it and don't know how much more I can take! In just a very few days, I will no longer have electricity. I can not find a way to pay the bill that he left. I have simply run out of options. I will no longer have a home for myself, his Mother and our children. I have called every organization possible and no one will help. I have applied for every job under the son and nothing.
I am told again and again that it will change, God will help me but to be honest, I can't see it. I feel like a person living in a world that I am just not part of. I drive down the road and I 'see' around me but I don't feel it. It's like being in an alternate reality that I am just not a part of. I don't 'feel'. There is nothing left. I am empty, I am broken and I am a shell with only emptiness inside.
It's a matter of 500.00. That is what it would take to keep my home, keep my kids in their home and I simply can not come up with it. As I watch t.v. I see these reality shows like the Kardashians and how the Mother has spent 4000.00$ on a dress, just one dress, that she will wear only one time and I want to just die!! Do you know what that 4k would do for me and my family??!! OMG! I just don't see the justice in it. I cry and cry and yet I feel that God simply doesn't hear me! He can't be listening or this wouldn't be happening! I keep telling myself it just can't be! But, it is. In 5 days, I will be homeless. There simply is nothing left for me to do. How do I tell my children???? I just don't know!

Mental Out