Thursday, August 7, 2008

It's Me

Sitting, gazing out the window, my mind drifts to days gone past.
I sigh a heavy sigh, the good times, they never seem to last.
A ghost of a smile plays about my lips, a memory dances just
beyond my finger tips.
I reach out, longing to catch it, to bring it close again.
It flitters away. Alone again, alone since then.
Reaching for the phone, my hand wavers and falls,
longing to hear your voice, empty silence, no one calls.
So many words bottled up inside wanting to tumble
forth and all I can do is stumble, not knowing if you
want to hear them, nor knowing how to shape the emotion
into words that escape me.
How do I show you? How do I make you see?
These stupid words, they don't mean a thing,
not when my heart has forgotten how to sing.
How I long to see your face, to touch you, touching me.
So many miles my love has traveled,
ripping at my heart unraveled.
A tear slips and and falls,
I don't catch it.
Perhaps it's not the end, could it be the beginning
after all?
I don't have the strength to hold on, my soul screams
to you,
catch me, bring me to the safety of your love
and teach me words can be true.
I just want to sleep, simply to forget,
lost in yesterday, aching with regret.
Why didn't I tell you, say the words my heart
begged me to say?
I love you, I need you, I want you, it hurts, I
only wanted you to whisper, please don't go,
it's me, please stay.
Gazing out the window all I can do is cry.
I'm lost, beyond the hows and why,
all I ache for is the soothing comfort of your arms
holding me, showing me there's no more harm.
Help me. Save me. Teach me.
More than all, love me
with a love that I've dreamt of all my life,
never wanting more than just to share
your life.
Remind me how to again believe
for all I know is how love always leaves.
Let your heart with words speak to mine,
whisper it's me and you are mine.
Not for now, not for today, forever,
for all time.
Teach me how to hope, to trust, how to see,
say the words, come home, my love, come
home, it's me.

August Already

So, August is here. The time flies by no matter where you are, what you are doing or what is happening, or not happening, in your life.
These last few weeks have gotten so hard. I realize that I am depressed, in a funk, feeling lost and can't seem to find my way out. There is a sadness, an emptiness in my life that I just can't seem to make go away. I would guess that 50% is from being 'sick' and 50% is stress but you would think that in knowing that, I could make it stop. I can't. I hate living like this. I hate remembering the way I used to be, the person I used to be and almost crying cause I miss her so much! I want to be that person again! I want to smile again, and mean it! I want to laugh again because there is something in my life to laugh about! I remember that people used to tell me all the time, "You are always smiling!" It's true, I was. Now all they say is, "Why do you look so sad? Why do you look so unhappy?" I can't explain, there are no words.
Along with all this there is an overwhelming sense of melancholy. There are people in my life that I love and are not in my life right now. I miss them! I miss them with all my heart! I want to share my life with them again and I want to share their life with them. But, I don't know how.
I feel so lost. So completely and utterly lost. I really hate it! Life was not meant to be lived like this and in truth, it is not living at all, it is merely existing among the living! Life was meant to be full, rich and least most of the time anyway. lol I know we all have our moments of sadness, of troubles, stresses and such but, geeeshhh...come on already.
So, what do I do? How do I change this cycle of unhappiness? How do I end this feeling of hopelessness and emptiness?
I don't know. I wish I did.