tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-82329751029238942312024-03-05T16:21:38.520-05:00Mental Notez"Friends are the Dots in your Polka." ~MentalNotezMental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.comBlogger122125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8232975102923894231.post-49660761210862637732011-11-26T09:27:00.000-05:002011-11-26T09:27:13.321-05:00ChangesSo once more life hits me with changes. I think for the better this time around tho. Not easy, never easy but, better.<br />
One of my friends, Miss Stacy, gave me a video to watch. It's called The Secret. I won't go into details here cause it really is a bit hard to explain but more so, it's a personal experience video. I would HIGHLY suggest for those of you that want/need to make changes in your life that you check it out.<br />
I have a new job I am starting now...I will be working from home. Will report more on that one later. I also am going back to college. I start soon and will be finally finishing up my degree. No more dead ends for me. I am taking charge, through God of course, and getting my life back on track!! I refuse to remain stuck and in this rut any longer!<br />
With Christmas right around the corner and literally no money for it, I began to search for inexpensive gift ideas. I found this really wonderful sight! It's called: Deck the Halls of Home with Joy. Please look for the 'button' on the side of my page and visit them for a truly inspiring time!Mental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8232975102923894231.post-49132756528020795772011-07-19T11:57:00.000-04:002011-07-19T11:57:54.723-04:00The last few monthsJust an update...<br />
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Over the last few months, my...I don't even know what to call him, he has been my 'husband' for so long..and now..he's not. I should qualify that, in my heart, I suppose, I still consider him that so, for the sake of this post that is how he will be. For the last few months my 'husband' continues to call, text and come over with all his vows of love and wanting to 'fix things' with us. And, for the last few months, he continues to go back to the 'thing' he is living with. He continues to lie to me and to her.<br />
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I just don't get it and can't wrap my head around it. How can someone be so messed up in the head that they would continue this behavior, continue the lies and continue living such a messed up life? How does he cry in my arms, telling me he loves me as he has love no one and then leave the very next day? How does he continue to lie to her about me, saying really cruel and hurtful things? I wish there was an answer.<br />
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I guess the real question is...why do I continue to let him do these things to me? I just don't know. Is there really a tiny part of me left that believes in him? I think there might be but maybe the truth is, it hurts too much to consider that he never really loved me at all. I dedicated years of my life to him and gave up way more than a person should for another person!! I can't begin to tell you the hell he put me thru. And yet, I stayed with him, stayed loyal to him, stood beside him praying he would change. He never did. He never will. How do I get the strength to just let go? I don't know. I wonder if I ever will.<br />
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I suppose each day that goes by makes it easier but then...maybe not.Mental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8232975102923894231.post-13003877865814991772011-04-25T09:46:00.000-04:002011-04-25T09:46:08.069-04:00Yesterday and TodayYesterday was Easter and, it was a very, very difficult day! I don't want to get into it much as I don't want to open the flood gates again now that I have them closed. It was a day that he and I used to make much ado about including a tradition of going to Sunrise Service. It was something we did every year, as a couple, just he and I and it was always so beautiful. It was awful being alone knowing he was, and is, with someone else, building new traditions and memories.<br />
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But, today is a new day. I thank God for having a new day and told Him I am open to all the blessings and possibilities He might bring today and my writing it here is an affirmation of that. I know that it is only with God that I can get thru this. I do hope that the pain and feeling of loss and emptiness pass more quickly than they have been. And too, I pray that God brings me to a place where I am ready for the man He brings to me, if that is His plan and I sure hope it is!<br />
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Mental OutMental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8232975102923894231.post-21997293959926302692011-04-20T08:12:00.000-04:002011-04-20T08:12:43.219-04:00Learning every day.Good Morning!<br />
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So after watching the lesson on the Newspring site, which was awesome btw, I remembered all the things I have to be joyful for. And, thankful for. I am going to work very hard at that every day! I have to hold on to the blessings I have in life and NOT the negative. The more we remain dwelling in the negative in our lives, the more negative we have. It only fits.<br />
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I am on a mission now, to teach myself good habits, like finding the blessings in each and every day as well as showing my beautiful daughter how to do the same when she is finding nothing but trouble in her life. I know that it is so much easier to sit here and say all this than to do it. Doing it, finding blessings in your life, finding the positive, making that dang lemonade is so much like work. But, like good, hard work, the rewards are so much more worth it!<br />
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Maybe I can share a little of what I struggle with and learn with you. The teaching yesterday said that firstly, we have to remember that God is good. He does not bring bad things to us. Good thing cause we sure do enough of that ourselves! When you say, well, if God was good why did He allow this/that to happen and so on. We need to stop and say to ourselves... did I wake up this morning? God is good! Did I wake up in a bed this morning? God is good! Did I have choices in the clothes I would wear today? God is good! Did I have the choice of eating breakfast this morning and of what I would eat? God is good! And, so on. You get the point! We put way to much power in the wrong things in our lives and those things over take us! Let's start giving power to the one who deserves it and to the right things in our lives! Empower God and in turn, yourself today!<br />
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Mental OutMental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8232975102923894231.post-59608532199723604782011-04-19T09:45:00.000-04:002011-04-19T09:45:55.403-04:00Moving OnTime seems to have flown by since I last touched base here.<br />
I have moved from the house 'we' lived in, I now live in a townhouse, I won't call it a home, with my daughter and Mom. (Taking care of <u>my</u> Mom now.) My daughter and I are still healing and recovering from 'him' leaving us and daily, it's still a struggle in some way.<br />
Many things have happened over the last few months, not too many of them good unfortunately. I am still trying to pay off bills, paying on loans we shared and paying off a lawsuit against him that I was named in as well. They knew that he would never pay so, they named me as well. In their words, someone has to pay. I had nothing to do with the 'relationship' other than introducing them but, again, I end up paying for his mistakes. Nothing new on that front. I also was just notified that my license had been suspended due to HIS hit and run accident. The truck, in my name, which was parked for over a year that he got drunk off his ass and drove, hitting an innocent lady in her car and then running away, was uninsured. It had been parked for over a year! Still, it was in my name so, the state is blaming me. I have to pay over 650.00$ and carry SR22 insurance for 3 years despite the fact that I had NO knowledge of it, that I have never had an accident or a ticket! Isn't life fair?!<br />
And still, he goes on with his life and his new love like nothing has ever happened with us, like my daughter and I don't matter, like he did nothing wrong!! But, what can I do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing but pick up the pieces and pick myself up of the floor time and time again where he kicked me to.<br />
I daily ask myself and God, please, please tell me, what did I do to deserve this punishment, this pain, this never ending loneliness and heartache, this treatment, this life. Yet, I get no answers. I loved someone who didn't deserve my love. I loved him totally and completely without condition. And, I am paying for it.<br />
Most nights, I go to bed crying, it's so overwhelming thats all I can do. Every morning I wake up with him on my mind. Either dreaming of him or calling out his name. I don't mean to, I don't want to, it won't stop! I hate it. Every second of the day, I think of him. I try to stop, I can't. He isn't ever thinking of me, I know that and I don't want to be thinking of him.<br />
Am I sorry I ever loved him at all...yes, for the most part and no as well. There are many things to love about him but, I must admit those things are the lies. The lovingness, generosity, the good in him...those things I love but, they really aren't there. I saw them but it was only my heart projecting them onto him. No person who has any good in them at all could ever do the things he as done to me, to my daughter, to our family. It just isn't possible.<br />
So now, I pray every day for God to help me. To help me not to think of him, not to feel so alone, broken, empty and lost. For God to send some peace and happiness into my life and yes, maybe one day, even love...but not right now. Not when I have no love left inside me.<br />
I think I have found a new Church and I am excited about it! It's here: www.Newspring.cc I can't wait to go check it out!!<br />
Well, I guess that is it for me right now.<br />
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Mental outMental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8232975102923894231.post-62167722779924523222011-01-15T09:53:00.000-05:002011-01-15T09:53:30.287-05:00Saturday!It's Saturday and I am at work. Yes, bloggin at work, don't tell! :O)~ Saturdays I work alone and basically 'mind the store' if you will. Today is a very, very quiet day. Haven't had one in a while and I must confess I am enjoying it! Getting some work done and just taking time to breathe. Listening to MY station, singing out loud and feeling better today than I have in a long, long time!<br />
Hubby and I still working on things. It will take time but this last week has been awesome! He is 3mos sober, as far as he says and I know, no going to doubt his word as I have no reason too, and I am extremely proud of him! This is a major thing!! Go hubby!! I continue to pray for him, for us and our relationship. There are many, many days and moments when I feel fear and 'wonder' but, I have to let those pass, have to take a deep breath and hold on to his vow of not wanting to drink any more. It's what I choose to do.<br />
Brandon, my son, is still not talking to me. I made the choice to forgive my husband and give him another chance, one of a million, still it was my choice. My son made the choice not to and walked away from us, from me, pretty much 'dis-owning' me. It tears me up inside, it is one of the most painful things I have ever dealt with. I keep it to myself. I understand that it was his choice and he believes he did the right thing. He choose not to walk down that destructive path with me, I understand that. I just think that he could have handled it differently, then and now. He has made many of the same mistakes that he condemns for and yet, he was forgiven, even expecting to be forgiven. I feel like he is counting....like well, I only did that a few times and he has done it hundreds. Maybe but, I am so glad God doesn't count!! And I bet if my son thought about it, I bet he would be glad that Mom doesn't count mistakes either. Anyway, I can not change his mind, his thoughts, or his decision. I can not change his actions. He chooses to live a life full of anger, bitterness, hate and negativity. I feel so sorry for him. That is so not living life. I pray that he heals inside and can begin to live life with joy and some happiness!! I don't know why he is filled with all these things but, I do know that he chooses to hold on to them and that is his choice alone. He can only blame himself for his life even tho he chooses to blame everyone else. I still love him with all my heart and always will. I continue to pray for him daily.<br />
Ok, peanut butter sammie done and it's back to work, for now anyway.<br />
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Mental outMental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8232975102923894231.post-70802289354547613622011-01-11T11:41:00.001-05:002011-01-11T13:34:00.409-05:00A Day in My Life<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><i><b>"Social anxiety disorder: SAD</b> is an <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety_disorder" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; background-image: none; background-origin: initial; text-decoration: none;" title="Anxiety disorder">anxiety disorder</a> characterized by intense fear in social situations causing considerable distress and impaired ability to function in at least some parts of daily life. It is a rather extreme form of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_phobia" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; background-image: none; background-origin: initial; text-decoration: none;" title="Social phobia">social phobia</a>. The diagnosis of social anxiety disorder can be of aspecific <a class="mw-redirect" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disorder_(medicine)" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; background-image: none; background-origin: initial; text-decoration: none;" title="Disorder (medicine)">disorder</a> (when only some particular situations are feared) or a generalized disorder. Generalized social anxiety disorder typically involves a persistent, intense, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chronic_(medicine)" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; background-image: none; background-origin: initial; text-decoration: none;" title="Chronic (medicine)">chronic</a> fear of being judged by others and of being <a class="mw-redirect" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Embarrassed" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; background-image: none; background-origin: initial; text-decoration: none;" title="Embarrassed">embarrassed</a> or <a class="mw-redirect" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humiliated" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; background-image: none; background-origin: initial; text-decoration: none;" title="Humiliated">humiliated</a> by one's own actions."</i></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px;">Every day for me, is like walking a</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px;"> gauntlet. Every look, glance, every word from another person is like being punched, kicked and beaten. Every breath is a gasp of pain and a prayer for life.</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If you don't have SAD, you can <b>NOT</b> possibly imagine what it feels like, what is does to you, how it is to live in constant, never ending fear. It's 24/7, it doesn't just 'go away'.</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">"In social anxiety disorder, everyday interactions cause extreme fear and self-consciousness. It may become impossible for you to eat with acquaintances or write a check in public, let alone go to a party with lots of strangers."</span></i></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="font-size: 12px; font-style: normal; line-height: 15px; margin-bottom: 25px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Social anxiety disorder can have emotional, behavioral and physical signs and symptoms.</span></div><div style="font-size: 12px; font-style: normal; line-height: 15px; margin-bottom: 25px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Emotional and behavioral signs and symptoms of social anxiety disorder include:</strong></span></div><ul style="font-size: 12px; font-style: normal; line-height: 15px; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 45px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><li style="list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: square; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Intense fear of being in situations in which you don't know people</span></li>
<li style="list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: square; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Fear of situations in which you may be judged</span></li>
<li style="list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: square; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Worrying about embarrassing or humiliating yourself</span></li>
<li style="list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: square; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Fear that others will notice that you look anxious</span></li>
<li style="list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: square; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anxiety that disrupts your daily routine, work, school or other activities</span></li>
<li style="list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: square; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Avoiding doing things or speaking to people out of fear of embarrassment</span></li>
<li style="list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: square; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Avoiding situations where you might be the center of attention</span></li>
</ul><div style="font-size: 12px; font-style: normal; line-height: 15px; margin-bottom: 25px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Physical signs and symptoms of social anxiety disorder include:</strong></span></div><ul style="font-size: 12px; font-style: normal; line-height: 15px; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 45px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><li style="list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: square; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Blushing</span></li>
<li style="list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: square; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Profuse sweating</span></li>
<li style="list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: square; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Trembling or shaking</span></li>
<li style="list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: square; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Nausea</span></li>
<li style="list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: square; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Stomach upset</span></li>
<li style="list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: square; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Difficulty talking</span></li>
<li style="list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: square; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Shaky voice</span></li>
<li style="list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: square; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Muscle tension</span></li>
<li style="list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: square; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Confusion</span></li>
<li style="list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: square; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Palpitations</span></li>
<li style="list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: square; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Diarrhea</span></li>
<li style="list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: square; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Cold, clammy hands</span></li>
<li style="list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: square; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Difficulty making eye contact</span></li>
</ul><div style="font-size: 12px; font-style: normal; line-height: 15px; margin-bottom: 25px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>You may also be affected by:</strong></span></div><ul style="font-size: 12px; font-style: normal; line-height: 15px; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 45px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><li style="list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: square; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Low self-esteem</span></li>
<li style="list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: square; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Trouble being assertive</span></li>
<li style="list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: square; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Negative self-talk</span></li>
<li style="list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: square; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Hypersensitivity to criticism</span></li>
<li style="list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: square; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #fce5cd; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Poor social skills"</span></li>
</ul><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;">You see and read the words here and yet, there is no way for you to understand the depth of their meaning nor the impact that meaning has on a life, a relationship, an </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;">existence</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;">. I am neither ignorant, nor dumb. I am not shy nor silly nor "blonde". I am not an introvert, a people hater or anti-social. I do not dislike you nor wish not to be around you or part of your life! <b>I AM AFRAID! </b></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;"><b><br />
</b></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;">Please, before you judge me or think you know me, look again, look deeper. Look into my heart. It's there, it's not hidden away, indeed, it's carried on my sleeve and shines from my eyes. It's there, hiding behind the tears.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;"><br />
</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;">~Mental Out</span></span></div>Mental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8232975102923894231.post-90833205511966518592010-09-09T18:29:00.000-04:002010-09-09T18:29:53.524-04:00On top of it all...On top of all the mess I have going on in my life right now, I go and get sick! Not just the sniffles, or a simple headache, no....full blown, puking my guts out, in bed, feel like death sick!! I have so much to deal with, so much to try and get down and can't do a thing! It's simply not fair!! When will it all end?!!Mental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8232975102923894231.post-10163296461589496522010-09-03T22:15:00.000-04:002010-09-03T22:15:07.752-04:00It's OverAfter almost 12 yrs of some really hard work, a whole lot of pain and heart break, it's finally over. After another night of drinking, he took all the money, mine and his Mom's, my truck and our youngest son and headed out to KY leaving me with nothing but pain, loss and ALL the bills. I can't even begin to tell you of the mess he left me with and the amount of money it will take to clean it up!!<br />
How does a person do that? How do you rip lives, a home and your family apart? I just don't get it and I never will. But, you know what, I am accepting the fact that there is something in him that just doesn't work like it should and it never will. I am so tired of the pain and the constant lies. If it wasn't for the fact that I am out of work and he left me 2 months behind on every single bill and then some, I think I would actually be happy. If not for the stress of not know which way is up and which was is down, I am actually at peace. It is incredibly painful to know that someone just decided one day that they didn't love you any more but, when that person has hurt you so much and for so long, I guess the love dies in your heart as well. So maybe it's more of an ego issue than a broken heart issue and that is incredibly hard to admit.<br />
So now, it's like living in a giant black hole that I just can't find my way out of. I pray and I pray and I pray and things still keep getting worse. I honestly don't understand it and don't know how much more I can take! In just a very few days, I will no longer have electricity. I can not find a way to pay the bill that he left. I have simply run out of options. I will no longer have a home for myself, his Mother and our children. I have called every organization possible and no one will help. I have applied for every job under the son and nothing.<br />
I am told again and again that it will change, God will help me but to be honest, I can't see it. I feel like a person living in a world that I am just not part of. I drive down the road and I 'see' around me but I don't feel it. It's like being in an alternate reality that I am just not a part of. I don't 'feel'. There is nothing left. I am empty, I am broken and I am a shell with only emptiness inside.<br />
It's a matter of 500.00. That is what it would take to keep my home, keep my kids in their home and I simply can not come up with it. As I watch t.v. I see these reality shows like the Kardashians and how the Mother has spent 4000.00$ on a dress, just one dress, that she will wear only one time and I want to just die!! Do you know what that 4k would do for me and my family??!! OMG! I just don't see the justice in it. I cry and cry and yet I feel that God simply doesn't hear me! He can't be listening or this wouldn't be happening! I keep telling myself it just can't be! But, it is. In 5 days, I will be homeless. There simply is nothing left for me to do. How do I tell my children???? I just don't know!<br />
<br />
Mental OutMental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8232975102923894231.post-62100976491499992512010-08-20T21:24:00.000-04:002010-08-20T21:24:56.394-04:00UpdateeWell, after almost 3 weeks in the shop, I got my computer back sans new motherboard. Guess what? It still doesn't work!! So, it's back to Best Buy in the morning and I am going to have a chat with the Geek Squad! Makes me so mad! In the paperwork it says you have to return it for repairs 4 times before they will replace it. That is crazy! It's only 8mos old and still having issues since the first month! Grrrrrrr! My WOW time has been severely limited and that makes Mental MENTAL! Guess we will see what they say this time.<br />
So, kids all moved in and the house is PACKED! It's crazy here but so far, it's not been so bad. Hope it keeps up.<br />
No news on the job front. :O( Please keep those prayers coming! Nothing for hubby yet either.<br />
Guess that's about it.<br />
<br />
Mental OutMental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8232975102923894231.post-14238412980483520062010-08-13T12:01:00.001-04:002010-08-13T12:01:47.240-04:00Quick updateBusy, busy, busy here in the Mental house! Kids moving in today, it will be very crowded but, you do what you have to do. Puter still in the shop! :O( I can't wait till it gets finished! Still praying for a job and/or unemployment to kick in.<br />
All in all, just dealing with stuff one day at a time.<br />
<br />
Mental outMental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8232975102923894231.post-43287610175327280512010-08-09T13:49:00.000-04:002010-08-09T13:49:04.219-04:00UpdateSo, time for an update....<br />
On the unemployment front, I still am...unemployed that is. I found out that I won't receive my unemployment for about 8 weeks more! How crazy is that!!?? It's already been 6 weeks! That is also IF the company doesn't fight my claim. Yikes!<br />
Good news though...I did have an interview that I am VERY excited about! I feel it went well and it is a PERFECT fit for me and with my background, for them as well I believe. According to the interviewer, he will finish interviews this week, most likely on Wednesday, and then will select the top two to further interview. I am beyond nervous! I sooooooo want this job!! Beside the fact that I desperately need it. Please keep this in your prayers.<br />
Nothing from the Church so, I am guessing that we weren't awarded assistance. That is ok, things will work out. Speaking of Church, the service on Sunday was amazing! The message was great and the pastor giving it was fantastic!! Tons of food for thought as well as laughter. I left feeling energized, reflective and ready for the the week.<br />
On the down side, my computer is in the shop and they are telling me 2 - 3 weeks. GRRRRRR!! I am praying it is a warranty issue and can be fixed! I have to have it! lol Borrowing one really isn't fun! Time sharing on puters doesn't work!<br />
Mer Monster left for FL for a week yesterday. I was missing her last night after I got home from running for the day. Ah well, a week will fly by and she will be home and I will be yelling at her again.<br />
Guess that is about it.<br />
<br />
Mental OutMental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8232975102923894231.post-13509621363288090012010-08-02T13:17:00.000-04:002010-08-02T13:17:26.770-04:00Monday, a day of stress!Today is Monday. I go in a few moments before the unemployment review board. I am praying that my x-company will not fight this!! If we don't get the benefits we will most probably be homeless. I know that God knows this and have to leave it in His hands, it's all I can do at this point. There is sooooo much riding on this appointment today and I am so nervous. I am sure they won't make a decision today but, I really pray they do as it has been a month already!<br />
No news on the bus driving job as of yet. I think I will give them a call in the morning just to check in so to speak.<br />
The church, <a href="http://www.seacoast.org/northcharleston">http://www.seacoast.org/northcharleston</a>, will be meeting today to see if we are awarded a grant to pay our rent. God, again, this too I place in Your hands!!<br />
So many things pending on these decisions over the next few days. I really could use a Blessing or two!<br />
Anyway, will fill you in if I can.<br />
<br />
Mental OutMental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8232975102923894231.post-85736821560035146272010-07-29T12:43:00.000-04:002010-07-29T12:43:13.044-04:00Thankful!After weeks of lemons, God blessed me with 3 miracles this week and I want to thank Him here and now! Thank you God!<br />
A friend that I used to work with called me up. She and her family are moving to FL and since they were driving, she didn't want to pack 'cold/frozen' items. She asked me if I wanted the content of her frig and freezer. Because we literally were out of food, I jumped on the Blessing! Thank you Naomi!! We were able to eat this week because of your kindness and thoughtfulness!<br />
As the week wound down of course my mind again began to spin and swirl with fear and worries about how to feed the 5 of us for the following week. I called our local food bank, Helping Hands, <a href="http://www.helpinghandsofgoosecreek.net/">http://www.helpinghandsofgoosecreek.net/</a> and they provided us with a bag of food. I am sure you all know that for a family of 5, a grocery bag of can goods will not go far however, I was more than thankful for it!<br />
To top it all off, I was awarded food stamps till I find a job! Praise God! That is a HUGE worry from my mind!<br />
So, I go on Monday to see about my unemployment and I am praying for the Bus Driving job that I tested for and was sent on to the next step!!<br />
If you happen by, please send a prayer up to God for my family. And, if you are in a position to do so, please contribute to your local food bank!!<br />
<br />
Thank you and...<br />
<br />
Mental OutMental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8232975102923894231.post-84848760451625552762010-07-22T16:05:00.002-04:002010-07-22T16:15:46.301-04:00Help!Ok, see, this is what I am talking about! Not only did I have the previously mentioned crude happen today but, now, I have a major sinus headache, stomach cramps and the 'crap' that comes with those, literally. Yes, we are adults here and I said crap! That is the mood I am in. I digress..not only the stomach issues but, I burned the heck out of my hand removing the crock pot lid to stir my bean soup! Ouch! Oh, that's not all.... I got summoned for jury duty and a phone call letting me know if my previously owned landscape business didn't come fix some damage to a house, we would be sued!! What damage? What house? What the heck??!! That would be lawsuit number 2 from people who ARE NEVER SATISFIED AND WANT SOMETHING FOR FREE off your back! I am serious! The first lawsuit, our first in 16yrs., and filed AFTER we closed the business and both got laid off, AND by a so-called friend we did some VERY inexpensive work for to help them out, is total and complete BS! Yes, I said it, BS!! I just don't get it!<div>I am not an unkind person though admittedly I have my moments, don't we all? So, why, why all this terrible stuff being thrown our way? What is the world is God thinking? Only God knows? Well, God needs to give it a rest! Yes, I am talking to God in that tone of voice and I don't apologize for it! He knows I love him and He is my King so, I am confident in being able to tell Him, stop already! I have enough to deal with!! And, get me through this crude and give me some peace for a while! I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!</div><div>Ok, so, anyone out there? lol Anyone reading this? Probably not. *Heavy sigh*</div><div><br /></div><div>Mental Out</div>Mental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8232975102923894231.post-49235724105576270332010-07-22T11:32:00.000-04:002010-07-22T11:33:01.279-04:00Hitting Home!<object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/IbTK-mKxrAc&hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/IbTK-mKxrAc&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object>Mental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8232975102923894231.post-13970577549443688472010-07-22T10:49:00.002-04:002010-07-22T10:52:32.845-04:00No News On The Job FrontEvery day it seems to get worse and worse and I wonder, will I ever catch a break?! I called the staffing company to make an appointment...NO appointments till well into August. OMGshh! Then, I looked in the local newspaper, nothing! I mean NOTHING! Craigslist...NOTHING! <div>I am lost. I just don't know what to do. I know I have to keep plugging away, keep working at it, keep searching but, it just feels like I am slamming into a brick wall, over and over and over. At least tomorrow is another day.</div><div><br /></div><div>Mental Out</div>Mental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8232975102923894231.post-30851145237393687362010-07-21T16:56:00.002-04:002010-07-21T16:59:05.632-04:00More freakin Lemonade!Ok, so I went to fill out and application with the temporary service after calling them last week. They told me the hours they took apps and I went in. Well...the office was closed!! I drove a bit of a ways too! I was so mad! Then, came home and the internet, our phone and cable was shut off! Could I call the temp service? NO! Could I send them an email? NO! Could I relax and watch TV? NO!<div>God, I need a job!!!!!!!!! And, no more lemons, please!!</div><div><br /></div><div>Mental Out</div>Mental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8232975102923894231.post-44324983936951695892010-07-20T09:51:00.002-04:002010-07-20T09:56:20.832-04:00Part 1Ok, so, I went and took the first part of the Bus Driving Application test. A WHOLE lot of paperwork, which I can understand, and an hour long reading/comprehension test. Of course I completed it way before everyone else. I have always done that, I am not sure why. I do read fast but, I over analyse everything so I would think it would make me slower. Oh well. I feel pretty good about it so, now I wait to be notified in writing to see if I go on to the next step. Hire me already! lol<div>I have to go for my final eye exam today. I don't feel like the problem is corrected tho. My eyes still water terribly and hurt. Guess we will see what the Doc says. We are doing the final exam quickly as I have to get some glasses before my insurance expires in a couple of weeks. No telling how long it will be before I have insurance again.</div><div>I am praying for a job today, if you visit, please send a thought for me and my family upstairs to the big guy? Have a Blessed day, ya'll.</div><div><br /></div><div>Mental Out.</div>Mental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8232975102923894231.post-56367483630010919782010-07-19T16:05:00.002-04:002010-07-19T16:17:12.514-04:00Lemons and Lemonade, enough already!So, it's been some time since I have been here but, I guess it's time for an update.<div>Lots of changes, isn't that always the way. I an unemployed again and it really bites! As much as I hated my job and yes, I hated it with a passion, at least I HAD a job. I may not have been the best at it but, I did my best, unlike some, and really tried to do a good job, unlike some. I am not just saying that to say it nor, am I bitter. I got fired for absences. I had good reason(s) for the absences such as family care taking issues, pneumonia, serious eye injury and such. I did not lay out just to lay out. I was absent too much, I know and I wish I could have not been but, I have responsibilities as well that I simply could not get out of. </div><div>Again, not to sound witchy or bitter but, there were some that were out WAY more than myself and even bragged about how they could get away with it! Some that stayed shopping on the internet most of the day, or were on FaceBook, or even slept, slept to the point of drooling and snoring!! </div><div>The truth is I believe multi- fold, I for some reason was disliked by my supervisor. You know there are just some people you just don't click with. I never received training like most people, never and then when I did take a 'training' class with my unit, and I use the word training lightly, it was done in a large group using power point and done very fast. Just sit at the table, watch the power point and viola' you are trained! NOT! Also, the work load was very, very thin since about Christmas. We simply did not have enough to keep us busy! So, it was an easy way out for them to dump me with a pitiful excuse. No, they are not filling my position...why? Cause they don't have enough work! I think that proves that point!</div><div>So, I filed for unemployment, not sure if I will get it and I have begun the job hunting process. I test tomorrow for a bus driver job and I go on Wednesday to register with a temp service. We will see how it goes.</div><div>On top of all that, no one else in the house is working either!! WE are so behind in bills and simply can't even afford the bare necessities. Also, got hit with a law suit on a installation that my lawn care folks did...which is so bogus I won't even get into that!</div><div>The bottom line is, I know that when life deals you lemons you need to make lemonade but damn it, I am sick of lemonade!! Bring on the champagne for a change!!!</div><div><br /></div><div>Mental Out</div>Mental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8232975102923894231.post-54318963928011977542010-03-24T14:26:00.002-04:002010-03-24T14:34:11.377-04:00Getting back in to it!I finally got my PSP up again...WOW, I have forgotten how to use it!! It's gonna take a while! I have no plugins, tubes or anything but, will have to make due! I created this new layout, not much but, it's a start. You can grab it if you like, or another one I made previously at:<br /><a href="http://mentalimagez.blogspot.com/">http://mentalimagez.blogspot.com</a><br /><br />That's it for now! Gotta get some playing in on Farmville and WOW!<br /><br />Mental outMental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8232975102923894231.post-16496318580721700752010-03-09T19:25:00.002-05:002010-03-09T19:32:55.014-05:00Time fliesWow, it's been a while since I posted here and really don't have time now, dinner is just about ready.<br />Still, I wanted to come here and write, perhaps to relieve the stress of the day, it hasn't been a good one, but then again, it hasn't been a good one for a while now. But, now that I am here and don't have time, the time that I wanted atleast, I can't even think of what to write. So, I am going to leave it for now and try again tomorrow morning. Sorry.<br /><br />Mental outMental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8232975102923894231.post-67896445001679240692010-02-12T22:36:00.002-05:002010-02-12T22:38:09.621-05:00Brrrrr!For the first time in 10 years, SC has snow! LOL Not just a dash of it either. We are getting a full blown snow storm! It's gorgeous but, I am glad I am inside!! It is down right freezing out there!<br /><br />Well, cable connection is spotty so....<br /><br />Mental out for nowMental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8232975102923894231.post-46038006003042990642010-01-28T19:23:00.000-05:002010-01-28T19:24:49.981-05:00Leave a Message!Hi, if you are new to blogging, don't be afraid to take a look around! Click on links, investigate, leave me a message in my shout box/chat box, I would love to hear from you! You might even find you get addicted to blogging yourself!<br />Once I get you addicted to blogging, we will talk about WOW! LOL<br /><br />Mental outMental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8232975102923894231.post-64049883239993813012010-01-26T12:58:00.004-05:002010-01-26T13:05:00.184-05:00Updated Mer Monster<div><div align="center"><div align="left">Love my girls new pics! lol She wants to be a photographer and her fav subject is her and her friends!</div><br /><br /><br /><div></div><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 171px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5431110506407824434" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKROCljO0eKnhcAEesVA1i59bR8aoEzxzCn8HRGF2CoILaHfbv54sAnlIM8Cu9pH3QUGjHU4gM75lgrPKGW2T2DcQ3Mvz5FeMp1OtqHMv6yhjdis1uQ0DnbMkacKmlE9aFIypTE6QuBfA/s320/luv+this+one+of+mer.jpg" /><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 189px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5431110607514142658" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1eM2rwSuKJ-JcQK9PcSoeNxQsL0uwOBbR4IByUvjFggD7YIxbR2FL7QS93u6RoZoNia9FKPLM7H_FG7mxAwZ_3XXpup7AakmuqaErR1p89iSvgFGGUIAh-B0LnvEX9z_Ve5ZkieysKVo/s320/luv+this+one+of+mer2.jpg" /> <img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 175px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5431110942185859218" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJfyUkAlqktiW1un4F42PYwhV1EhHZex7zyYrJjrDlBBQ-4HNcs9xBBbGRobAC8CqbAQz_5RpbVAbZxByBuz3aXQVQGaPBJXGR2RDqX_pTmOCPtoytl1dKKHFin9Po-hdr2xf8ML1pKZw/s320/luv+this+one+of+mer4.jpg" /><br /><br /><br /><div align="center"></div></div></div>Mental Notezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15577435937925908986noreply@blogger.com0