I don’t have a whole lot of time this morning to update here but, I wanted to give it a try.
Life is changing once again. It seems my life is always in a state of constant flux and today is no different. I have never had a ‘normal’ stress-free time in my life. I have accepted, or at least am working on accepting, that. God created my life to be a roller coaster. I would normally say that this kind of wild, stress-filled life would be due to choices we have made for ourselves and our lives. I would also say that 75% of that holds true for me. As I grow as a Christian, I learn more and more and hopefully make better decisions based on that; I also see that the stress in my life remains a sure thing, a constant. That being the case, I tend to believe that this is the life I was meant to have. I won’t say I like it but, it is not my choice.
So, today I wrap up a job that I have had for 4 mos which most of you are thinking is not a very long time. You are right, it isn’t. However for a person with SAD, Social Anxiety Disorder, even an hour can be a VERY long time. I made relationships here and friends, again something that for a person with SAD can be very hard to do. So, it is a very stressful day, knowing I will be leaving the little bit of security I have built up here at this job. The worry of knowing that I will have to go interview and start another position again can be and is, overwhelming at times. It can literally make me sick.
I also had to finally get a ‘new’ car yesterday replacing the old beater I had. I knew it was coming but I was not looking forward to it. It is just another stress inducing thing for me. The beater was paid for. There were no surprises as I knew what it’s quirks were, I knew it was junk, and so, I was comfortable with it. Now, I have a payment and a car that I don’t know. I found myself constantly listening and ‘feeling’ this morning on the way to work, waiting for something to be wrong with the new car. I have to talk myself out of that worry and it is almost impossible for me.
When I say that turning things over to God is what I am going to do, it is really want I want to do, what I would love to do, what I am dying to do but, not what I am capable of doing. With the anxiety I deal with, it is my nature to worry. If I turned it over, what would that leave me? Good question for someone in my shoes, isn’t it.
So, I keep saying, I am turning this all over to God. I think if I say it enough, I will talk myself into it and it is a way of practicing doing that. When you practice, it teaches you how to make it a routine. I have to turn my life into a minute to minute practice session. It is the only way I can see how to deal with things rather that going to a doctor, for which I have no insurance, and taking drugs I can’t afford and don’t want. So, practice, I hope, will eventually make perfect.
As the day dwindles and the new road looms closer, I will continue to worry but, maybe not as much as I chant in my head, I am giving it to you God, you can have it all, I don’t want it. I figure He will get sick of hearing me, take control and I won’t have to worry about it all any more. And, isn’t that the intent anyway?
Till next time...