Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The last few months

Just an update...

Over the last few months, my...I don't even know what to call him, he has been my 'husband' for so long..and now..he's not. I should qualify that, in my heart, I suppose, I still consider him that so, for the sake of this post that is how he will be. For the last few months my 'husband' continues to call, text and come over with all his vows of love and wanting to 'fix things' with us. And, for the last few months, he continues to go back to the 'thing' he is living with. He continues to lie to me and to her.

I just don't get it and can't wrap my head around it. How can someone be so messed up in the head that they would continue this behavior, continue the lies and continue living such a messed up life? How does he cry in my arms, telling me he loves me as he has love no one and then leave the very next day? How does he continue to lie to her about me, saying really cruel and hurtful things? I wish there was an answer.

I guess the real question is...why do I continue to let him do these things to me? I just don't know. Is there really a tiny part of me left that believes in him? I think there might be but maybe the truth is, it hurts too much to consider that he never really loved me at all. I dedicated years of my life to him and gave up way more than a person should for another person!! I can't begin to tell you the hell he put me thru. And yet, I stayed with him, stayed loyal to him, stood beside him praying he would change. He never did. He never will. How do I get the strength to just let go? I don't know. I wonder if I ever will.

I suppose each day that goes by makes it easier but then...maybe not.

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