Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Moving On

Time seems to have flown by since I last touched base here.
I have moved from the house 'we' lived in, I now live in a townhouse, I won't call it a home, with my daughter and Mom. (Taking care of my Mom now.) My daughter and I are still healing and recovering from 'him' leaving us and daily, it's still a struggle in some way.
Many things have happened over the last few months, not too many of them good unfortunately. I am still trying to pay off bills, paying on loans we shared and paying off a lawsuit against him that I was named in as well. They knew that he would never pay so, they named me as well. In their words, someone has to pay. I had nothing to do with the 'relationship' other than introducing them but, again, I end up paying for his mistakes. Nothing new on that front. I also was just notified that my license had been suspended due to HIS hit and run accident. The truck, in my name, which was parked for over a year that he got drunk off his ass and drove, hitting an innocent lady in her car and then running away, was uninsured. It had been parked for over a year! Still, it was in my name so, the state is blaming me. I have to pay over 650.00$ and carry SR22 insurance for 3 years despite the fact that I had NO knowledge of it, that I have never had an accident or a ticket! Isn't life fair?!
And still, he goes on with his life and his new love like nothing has ever happened with us, like my daughter and I don't matter, like he did nothing wrong!! But, what can I do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing but pick up the pieces and pick myself up of the floor time and time again where he kicked me to.
I daily ask myself and God, please, please tell me, what did I do to deserve this punishment, this pain, this never ending loneliness and heartache, this treatment, this life. Yet, I get no answers. I loved someone who didn't deserve my love. I loved him totally and completely without condition. And, I am paying for it.
Most nights, I go to bed crying, it's so overwhelming thats all I can do. Every morning I wake up with him on my mind. Either dreaming of him or calling out his name. I don't mean to, I don't want to, it won't stop! I hate it. Every second of the day, I think of him. I try to stop, I can't. He isn't ever thinking of me, I know that and I don't want to be thinking of him.
Am I sorry I ever loved him at all...yes, for the most part and no as well. There are many things to love about him but, I must admit those things are the lies. The lovingness, generosity, the good in him...those things I love but, they really aren't there. I saw them but it was only my heart projecting them onto him. No person who has any good in them at all could ever do the things he as done to me, to my daughter, to our family. It just isn't possible.
So now, I pray every day for God to help me. To help me not to think of him, not to feel so alone, broken, empty and lost. For God to send some peace and happiness into my life and yes, maybe one day, even love...but not right now. Not when I have no love left inside me.
I think I have found a new Church and I am excited about it! It's here: www.Newspring.cc I can't wait to go check it out!!
Well, I guess that is it for me right now.

Mental out

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