Saturday, January 15, 2011


It's Saturday and I am at work. Yes, bloggin at work, don't tell! :O)~ Saturdays I work alone and basically 'mind the store' if you will. Today is a very, very quiet day. Haven't had one in a while and I must confess I am enjoying it! Getting some work done and just taking time to breathe. Listening to MY station, singing out loud and feeling better today than I have in a long, long time!
Hubby and I still working on things. It will take time but this last week has been awesome! He is 3mos sober, as far as he says and I know, no going to doubt his word as I have no reason too, and I am extremely proud of him! This is a major thing!!  Go hubby!! I continue to pray for him, for us and our relationship. There are many, many days and moments when I feel fear and 'wonder' but, I have to let those pass, have to take a deep breath and hold on to his vow of not wanting to drink any more. It's what I choose to do.
Brandon, my son, is still not talking to me. I made the choice to forgive my husband and give him another chance, one of a million, still it was my choice. My son made the choice not to and walked away from us, from me, pretty much 'dis-owning' me. It tears me up inside, it is one of the most painful things I have ever dealt with. I keep it to myself. I understand that it was his choice and he believes he did the right thing. He choose not to walk down that destructive path with me, I understand that. I just think that he could have handled it differently, then and now. He has made many of the same mistakes that he condemns for and yet, he was forgiven, even expecting to be forgiven. I feel like he is well, I only did that a few times and he has done it hundreds. Maybe but, I am so glad God doesn't count!! And I bet if my son thought about it, I bet he would be glad that Mom doesn't count mistakes either. Anyway, I can not change his mind, his thoughts, or his decision. I can not change his actions. He chooses to live a life full of anger, bitterness, hate and negativity. I feel so sorry for him. That is so not living life. I pray that he heals inside and can begin to live life with joy and some happiness!! I don't know why he is filled with all these things but, I do know that he chooses to hold on to them and that is his choice alone. He can only blame himself for his life even tho he chooses to blame everyone else. I still love him with all my heart and always will. I continue to pray for him daily.
Ok, peanut butter sammie done and it's back to work, for now anyway.

Mental out

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

A Day in My Life

"Social anxiety disorder: SAD is an anxiety disorder characterized by intense fear in social situations causing considerable distress and impaired ability to function in at least some parts of daily life. It is a rather extreme form of social phobia. The diagnosis of social anxiety disorder can be of aspecific disorder (when only some particular situations are feared) or a generalized disorder. Generalized social anxiety disorder typically involves a persistent, intense, chronic fear of being judged by others and of being embarrassed or humiliated by one's own actions."

Every day for me, is like walking a gauntlet. Every look, glance, every word from another person is like being punched, kicked and beaten. Every breath is a gasp of pain and a prayer for life.

If you don't have SAD, you can NOT possibly imagine what it feels like, what is does to you, how it is to live in constant, never ending fear. It's 24/7, it doesn't just 'go away'.

"In social anxiety disorder, everyday interactions cause extreme fear and self-consciousness. It may become impossible for you to eat with acquaintances or write a check in public, let alone go to a party with lots of strangers."

"Social anxiety disorder can have emotional, behavioral and physical signs and symptoms.
Emotional and behavioral signs and symptoms of social anxiety disorder include:
  • Intense fear of being in situations in which you don't know people
  • Fear of situations in which you may be judged
  • Worrying about embarrassing or humiliating yourself
  • Fear that others will notice that you look anxious
  • Anxiety that disrupts your daily routine, work, school or other activities
  • Avoiding doing things or speaking to people out of fear of embarrassment
  • Avoiding situations where you might be the center of attention
Physical signs and symptoms of social anxiety disorder include:
  • Blushing
  • Profuse sweating
  • Trembling or shaking
  • Nausea
  • Stomach upset
  • Difficulty talking
  • Shaky voice
  • Muscle tension
  • Confusion
  • Palpitations
  • Diarrhea
  • Cold, clammy hands
  • Difficulty making eye contact
You may also be affected by:
  • Low self-esteem
  • Trouble being assertive
  • Negative self-talk
  • Hypersensitivity to criticism
  • Poor social skills"
You see and read the words here and yet, there is no way for you to understand the depth of their meaning nor the impact that meaning has on a life, a relationship, an existence. I am neither ignorant, nor dumb. I am not shy nor silly nor "blonde". I am not an introvert, a people hater or anti-social. I do not dislike you nor wish not to be around you or part of your life! I AM AFRAID! 

Please, before you judge me or think you know me, look again, look deeper. Look into my heart. It's there, it's not hidden away, indeed, it's carried on my sleeve and shines from my eyes. It's there, hiding behind the tears.

~Mental Out