Tuesday, May 27, 2008

In a haze

It's the day after the Memorial Day Holiday and as everyone knows, in order to get paid for the Holiday, you gotta work the day after. That's fine, I understand and don't have a problem with it, under normal circumstances. But, for a person who suffers from Crohns Disease, Fibromyalgia, Degenerative Disk Disease and the most incredibly painful migraines, is there a normal circumstance?
You might be thinking dang, this woman is a walking disaster. Yeah, I guess so but, most days, its liveable and some days, it's not even so bad. Then there are days when you just want to curl up, cry and die. It makes you feel alone, lost, the pain is awful and you know that no one understands if they don't suffer as you do. It never ceases to amaze me when people look at you with 'that look' and say things like, you sure do get sick a lot. Yes, unfortunately, I do. I don't like it. I don't want to be sick but, my body is what it is and does what it does. I never used to get sick, not till a few years ago.
I am blessed in that there is one person at my work that understands. She too has Crohns and she emails me notes of support, encouragement and ideas to help. She is the angel that God has sent to this job and I am so thankful for her! Thank you, AK! I appreciate you more than you can imagine. She supports me in many ways and again, I feel so blessed that she is here.
Sometimes it gets overwhelming and you just can't seem to struggle through the day in any way that makes sense. Its so sad when you think of the precious time you loose in the drug induced haze or the pain haze. Those moments are ones that are lost to you and you can't recover. They are moments lost where there were chances to create memories to cherish. So in the days that are 'good days' you fight to make the most of your time; it's almost manic at times to get in everything that you can.
Even as I write this post, I read back and wonder, does this really make any sense? It seems to but I know what pain does to my thought process. It tears it to shreds. I am most careful in these times to try to take everything slow. I don't want to make mistakes and these are the times when they happen most.
Still, today is almost over. I long for the peace that I pray will come when I lay down and close my eyes. Last night that peace did not come. It hurt too much to even lay my head on the pillow but, tonight, I think I will find it and perhaps the recuperating powers of sleep will bless me. Tomorrow is another day.