Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Sometimes it hurts.

It’s been one of those weeks. Tons of tiny, little things going wrong and all adding up to a not so good after all kinda week. Seems I have more and more of those kinds of days, weeks and years. So, what am I doing wrong? Well, if I knew, I would change it!
The thing is, I have this…issue…for lack of a better word, with authority figures, criticism, whether it is intended to be constructive or not. Simply put, I have a major problem with confrontation of any kind! I don’t like it. I don’t like to feel insuperior, looked down upon, made to feel ‘not good enough’. I don’t like to be talked down to or even a harsh or criticizing tones. It hurts my feelings and even something more, something deeper down. I don’t know why it is, it simply is.
Everyone tells me, ’suck it up’, ‘don’t take it personal’, ‘let it roll off your back’, or ‘get over it’. Well, I do get over it, it never even takes me that long to do it. Meanwhile, I still hurt inside. There must be something in my programming that causes me to feel this way, like a little child who is being punished as that is exactly how I feel. I even cry most times. It’s more than embarrassing! Someone barely raises their voice to me or I ‘feel’ like they are angry with me and I get upset. I don’t know what it is. I have always been this way. I don’t like it.
What is worse is, if it is someone that I look up to, someone I care about, or someone I consider a friend, it’s a million times worth. The pain cuts much deeper and something happens to the esteem in which I held that person.
Is something wrong with me? I have been told too many times to count that I am ‘over sensitive’. I believe that in my case, it is not such a good thing and that it detracts from my ability to ‘function’ normally in social/work type situations. I have to admit though, there is a tiny, tiny part of me that wonders…what if more people were a bit like me, a little bit more sensitive. Would that be such a bad thing? Maybe we would all deal with each other with a little more care. Maybe we would all actually stop and think before we said something or dealt with someone in a certain manner. Maybe if we were all a little bit more sensitive to each others feelings we wouldn’t have this whole society of children now that simply don’t care about any one else. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me. I can acknowledge that. But, I still wonder.
I look around every day. I see the way that people have become, I see the way that our neighborhoods, our communities, even our relationships have become. Something is missing, something is gone. I am sure that all the psycho peoples out there can give you answer to the problem and probably even a solution but, I’m not one of those people. I am simply a mother, a friend, a person who feels, sees and wonders. Seems more and more that I look around, the sadder I feel deep down inside and sometimes, most times, it hurts.

A Geek-Wanna-Be!

I believe that I am for now, a very, very small fish in a very, VERY large pond. What I mean is this, I am a 45 years young woman, in an age of computers and technology, who has not forgotten the good ole days and yet has this over whelming desire to be a geek. Computers are my passions and I love all the things you can do with them. The problem is, I don't know how to do all the things I want to do and I believe, perhaps incorrectly, but I believe that I am too old at this point, to learn. I want to be a geek, I do, I do! I want to have a famous blog, I want to design the most awesome website, I want to write this totally awesome computer program I have in my head! I do! I just don't know how.
So, for now, I will simply do the very best that I can do. I will continue to drewl over everyones super cool and popular blogs and web sites, I will continue to mess up my HTML and loose all the stuff on my home page, I will continue to loose all my passwords and important emails that say 'for your records'. I will continue to forget what email I stored where so I wouldn't loose it and I will continue to be a 'geek-wanna-be'.
When I get into Heaven tho, that is a different story! I know that God is saving this monster of a computer for me to play on and all I'll have to do is speak to it and it will do whatever I ask! Batta bing*!* I have the coolest blog you've ever seen! Abracadabra!*! I have the most amazing Website with all the bells and whistles! Bibbity-bobbity-Bo!*! I have this program designed and running that I always wanted to! The best parts...? I can never delete the wrong files, spell check is automatic, passwords appear like magic, it has never ending memory and processing speed and it knows what I am thinking and wanting! Wooohooo!
That will be my reward for being born a blonde who in her heart, was born a geek!