Sitting, gazing out the window, my mind drifts to days gone past.
I sigh a heavy sigh, the good times, they never seem to last.
A ghost of a smile plays about my lips, a memory dances just
beyond my finger tips.
I reach out, longing to catch it, to bring it close again.
It flitters away. Alone again, alone since then.
Reaching for the phone, my hand wavers and falls,
longing to hear your voice, empty silence, no one calls.
So many words bottled up inside wanting to tumble
forth and all I can do is stumble, not knowing if you
want to hear them, nor knowing how to shape the emotion
into words that escape me.
How do I show you? How do I make you see?
These stupid words, they don't mean a thing,
not when my heart has forgotten how to sing.
How I long to see your face, to touch you, touching me.
So many miles my love has traveled,
ripping at my heart unraveled.
A tear slips and and falls,
I don't catch it.
Perhaps it's not the end, could it be the beginning
after all?
I don't have the strength to hold on, my soul screams
to you,
catch me, bring me to the safety of your love
and teach me words can be true.
I just want to sleep, simply to forget,
lost in yesterday, aching with regret.
Why didn't I tell you, say the words my heart
begged me to say?
I love you, I need you, I want you, it hurts, I
only wanted you to whisper, please don't go,
it's me, please stay.
Gazing out the window all I can do is cry.
I'm lost, beyond the hows and why,
all I ache for is the soothing comfort of your arms
holding me, showing me there's no more harm.
Help me. Save me. Teach me.
More than all, love me
with a love that I've dreamt of all my life,
never wanting more than just to share
your life.
Remind me how to again believe
for all I know is how love always leaves.
Let your heart with words speak to mine,
whisper it's me and you are mine.
Not for now, not for today, forever,
for all time.
Teach me how to hope, to trust, how to see,
say the words, come home, my love, come
home, it's me.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
August Already
So, August is here. The time flies by no matter where you are, what you are doing or what is happening, or not happening, in your life.
These last few weeks have gotten so hard. I realize that I am depressed, in a funk, feeling lost and can't seem to find my way out. There is a sadness, an emptiness in my life that I just can't seem to make go away. I would guess that 50% is from being 'sick' and 50% is stress but you would think that in knowing that, I could make it stop. I can't. I hate living like this. I hate remembering the way I used to be, the person I used to be and almost crying cause I miss her so much! I want to be that person again! I want to smile again, and mean it! I want to laugh again because there is something in my life to laugh about! I remember that people used to tell me all the time, "You are always smiling!" It's true, I was. Now all they say is, "Why do you look so sad? Why do you look so unhappy?" I can't explain, there are no words.
Along with all this there is an overwhelming sense of melancholy. There are people in my life that I love and are not in my life right now. I miss them! I miss them with all my heart! I want to share my life with them again and I want to share their life with them. But, I don't know how.
I feel so lost. So completely and utterly lost. I really hate it! Life was not meant to be lived like this and in truth, it is not living at all, it is merely existing among the living! Life was meant to be full, rich and happy...at least most of the time anyway. lol I know we all have our moments of sadness, of troubles, stresses and such but, geeeshhh...come on already.
So, what do I do? How do I change this cycle of unhappiness? How do I end this feeling of hopelessness and emptiness?
I don't know. I wish I did.
These last few weeks have gotten so hard. I realize that I am depressed, in a funk, feeling lost and can't seem to find my way out. There is a sadness, an emptiness in my life that I just can't seem to make go away. I would guess that 50% is from being 'sick' and 50% is stress but you would think that in knowing that, I could make it stop. I can't. I hate living like this. I hate remembering the way I used to be, the person I used to be and almost crying cause I miss her so much! I want to be that person again! I want to smile again, and mean it! I want to laugh again because there is something in my life to laugh about! I remember that people used to tell me all the time, "You are always smiling!" It's true, I was. Now all they say is, "Why do you look so sad? Why do you look so unhappy?" I can't explain, there are no words.
Along with all this there is an overwhelming sense of melancholy. There are people in my life that I love and are not in my life right now. I miss them! I miss them with all my heart! I want to share my life with them again and I want to share their life with them. But, I don't know how.
I feel so lost. So completely and utterly lost. I really hate it! Life was not meant to be lived like this and in truth, it is not living at all, it is merely existing among the living! Life was meant to be full, rich and happy...at least most of the time anyway. lol I know we all have our moments of sadness, of troubles, stresses and such but, geeeshhh...come on already.
So, what do I do? How do I change this cycle of unhappiness? How do I end this feeling of hopelessness and emptiness?
I don't know. I wish I did.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Yuk..and then some!
It's Wednesday and I feel awful!! I mean AWFUL!! I have the worst summer head and chest cold! I sound like a frog, no, worse! And, dang it all, it hurts!! I am not sure that I ever had this crud before but I am sure that I do NOT want it!!
Recently my friend Beth, owner of Turning PoinT General Contracting, approached me about a business deal. I own Saving You The Green, a lawncare and landscape company. She wanted to incorporate or merge our businesses. After meeting with her and discussing all the details, we decided it would be good for all of us, all the way around. So, we started to get things moving. Since then, the lawyers, accountants and banks have been involved and like everything related to those types, we are bogged down in red tape. At this point, everything is on hold. That's a real bummer!
On the home front, I got a call from my sister saying that my Mom needed some help. She is in a nasty relationship and apparently, decided it was time for her to get out. My opinion is that she should never have gotten into the relationship with this jerk but, I am not one to speak about relationships by any stretch of the imagination!! So, I am dealing with that mess and it looks like I might be making a trip to New Mexico and South Carolina soon. I need to go pick up my Mom, from NM, and take her to my sister's home in SC. I am up for it, anything to get my Mom away from that...that....ewwww there are no words!! It won't be pretty and it won't be fun. It will be very expensive! I am so ready to go!!
The business is good, we have had several estimates lately and I am waiting to hear back on the last 2. Plus, we have an easy money job tonight and believe me, with me out of a 'real' job, any money coming in is a blessing!
Well, I am off to nap and hopefully this nasty cold will subside soon!! It is NOT fun!
Till next time...
Mental out
Recently my friend Beth, owner of Turning PoinT General Contracting, approached me about a business deal. I own Saving You The Green, a lawncare and landscape company. She wanted to incorporate or merge our businesses. After meeting with her and discussing all the details, we decided it would be good for all of us, all the way around. So, we started to get things moving. Since then, the lawyers, accountants and banks have been involved and like everything related to those types, we are bogged down in red tape. At this point, everything is on hold. That's a real bummer!
On the home front, I got a call from my sister saying that my Mom needed some help. She is in a nasty relationship and apparently, decided it was time for her to get out. My opinion is that she should never have gotten into the relationship with this jerk but, I am not one to speak about relationships by any stretch of the imagination!! So, I am dealing with that mess and it looks like I might be making a trip to New Mexico and South Carolina soon. I need to go pick up my Mom, from NM, and take her to my sister's home in SC. I am up for it, anything to get my Mom away from that...that....ewwww there are no words!! It won't be pretty and it won't be fun. It will be very expensive! I am so ready to go!!
The business is good, we have had several estimates lately and I am waiting to hear back on the last 2. Plus, we have an easy money job tonight and believe me, with me out of a 'real' job, any money coming in is a blessing!
Well, I am off to nap and hopefully this nasty cold will subside soon!! It is NOT fun!
Till next time...
Mental out
Learning something new at any age!
Most of you know that I am very interested in returing to college to get another degree. I have been doing some research, trying to find the institution that would best suit my needs. I am a Mom to 3 who recently lost her job. I want to find a school that fits my hectic schedule and offers the classes and perks I need. So, in doing my research, I came across this and thought I would share it with you...
The Cisco Learning Network. When I first opened their homepage, https://cisco.hosted.jivesoftware.com/index.jspa?ciscoHome=true, I noticed the difference right away. It was more of a blog layout. They offered snipets of information so that you could read a bit and decide if you wanted to learn more. The homepage is crammed full of information. They offer discussions you can read and visuals through video as well. As we all learn and soak up information in different ways, I thought this was a great way to present information to all.
As I read more, I saw that they offered 4 levels of education, an Entry level all the way to Specialist. You can pick the certificate that is right for you in their Network Certification Programs!
One program that I am very interested in finding more information on is the Cyber Security/Network Security programs. I believe that this is an up and coming field with a great many opportunities available now with more to come in the future. Cisco offers Network and Internetwork security programs. Within these, there are various levels of specialties for you to choose your focus from.
It was very appealing to me that Cisco also mentions a 'Green' IT. With the economy and global issues we all face, this was a plus for me! Cisco has a goal of reducing greenhouse gas emissions by 25% in the next 4 years. Definetly a factor in my research!
The Cisco site also offers a 'real people' aspect. You can utilize the 'Connections' tab to find out what kind of people are active in the Cisco Network Learning world. See what kind of professionals they are associated with and what their functions are.
They have an online learning center as well. Resources, documents, discussions and blogs, all the information you could want and use!
The Cisco Learning Network site is definetly full of information and well worth taking a look at if you are seeking to enhance or further your career in networking! Do yourself a favor and don't pass up the information and opportunities this site offers!
Cisco certification
The Cisco Learning Network. When I first opened their homepage, https://cisco.hosted.jivesoftware.com/index.jspa?ciscoHome=true, I noticed the difference right away. It was more of a blog layout. They offered snipets of information so that you could read a bit and decide if you wanted to learn more. The homepage is crammed full of information. They offer discussions you can read and visuals through video as well. As we all learn and soak up information in different ways, I thought this was a great way to present information to all.
As I read more, I saw that they offered 4 levels of education, an Entry level all the way to Specialist. You can pick the certificate that is right for you in their Network Certification Programs!
One program that I am very interested in finding more information on is the Cyber Security/Network Security programs. I believe that this is an up and coming field with a great many opportunities available now with more to come in the future. Cisco offers Network and Internetwork security programs. Within these, there are various levels of specialties for you to choose your focus from.
It was very appealing to me that Cisco also mentions a 'Green' IT. With the economy and global issues we all face, this was a plus for me! Cisco has a goal of reducing greenhouse gas emissions by 25% in the next 4 years. Definetly a factor in my research!
The Cisco site also offers a 'real people' aspect. You can utilize the 'Connections' tab to find out what kind of people are active in the Cisco Network Learning world. See what kind of professionals they are associated with and what their functions are.
They have an online learning center as well. Resources, documents, discussions and blogs, all the information you could want and use!
The Cisco Learning Network site is definetly full of information and well worth taking a look at if you are seeking to enhance or further your career in networking! Do yourself a favor and don't pass up the information and opportunities this site offers!
Cisco certification
Friday, July 18, 2008
Good Days and Bad Days!
This week has simply flown by! I have been so busy with all the adjustments here in the Mental Home as well as working to build the business. It's been crazy!
Sometimes, I simply don't know what to think or which way to turn! It's like being out of focus so you stand real still, afraid to move because you aren't real sure which direction is the right direction, the safe direction.
It's been a week since leaving my temporary job. I miss the security of that. I miss my friend Aubrey there even more. I get my last pay check from that position today and no more in sight. I am simply terrified! I pray that God will lead me to where I need to be and constantly remind myself that my life belongs to Him and that I have turned my life over to Him. So, when does the fear stop? I was taught that when you turn your life over to God, you are granted peace. I haven't gotten the peace part yet. The fear still rules my life. There are times when it is so bad, it physically manifests itself. I get headaches, stomach aches, snappy and unable to function. As a person with Social Anxiety Disorder, SAD, it sure doesn't help any to be unemployed!
I went and filed for unemployment on Monday. I didn't even get to talk to a live person so, I have no clue as to what will happen. We have become so dispersonal as a society. It's all about 'line em up, get em in and get em out' and forget that they are human beings! I left with even more questions than I had. Plus, there are so many more people out of work that assistance is backed up. It's a sad state of affairs for our country.
So, as I look for work, work on getting the business going, I debate what I am doing wrong and what I am going to do. I am still toying with the thought of going back to school. I am so leaning in that direction but again, the fear looms up and kicks me in the gut. I hate living in this constant state. I think that if by Tuesday I haven't heard anything on a job, I will call the ITT Tech councilor and see if I can set up an appointment with her to discuss options.
I guess that's about it for this rant.
Till next time...
Mental out
Sometimes, I simply don't know what to think or which way to turn! It's like being out of focus so you stand real still, afraid to move because you aren't real sure which direction is the right direction, the safe direction.
It's been a week since leaving my temporary job. I miss the security of that. I miss my friend Aubrey there even more. I get my last pay check from that position today and no more in sight. I am simply terrified! I pray that God will lead me to where I need to be and constantly remind myself that my life belongs to Him and that I have turned my life over to Him. So, when does the fear stop? I was taught that when you turn your life over to God, you are granted peace. I haven't gotten the peace part yet. The fear still rules my life. There are times when it is so bad, it physically manifests itself. I get headaches, stomach aches, snappy and unable to function. As a person with Social Anxiety Disorder, SAD, it sure doesn't help any to be unemployed!
I went and filed for unemployment on Monday. I didn't even get to talk to a live person so, I have no clue as to what will happen. We have become so dispersonal as a society. It's all about 'line em up, get em in and get em out' and forget that they are human beings! I left with even more questions than I had. Plus, there are so many more people out of work that assistance is backed up. It's a sad state of affairs for our country.
So, as I look for work, work on getting the business going, I debate what I am doing wrong and what I am going to do. I am still toying with the thought of going back to school. I am so leaning in that direction but again, the fear looms up and kicks me in the gut. I hate living in this constant state. I think that if by Tuesday I haven't heard anything on a job, I will call the ITT Tech councilor and see if I can set up an appointment with her to discuss options.
I guess that's about it for this rant.
Till next time...
Mental out
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